Author: +Freddie Cook
Simply because your partner or spouse isn’t having sex with someone else doesn’t mean they are not cheating on you. Just because their reasoning is that they are doing nothing wrong, doesn’t mean they are right.
They most likely say something like… “You know, he/she is my best friend”, or “they understand the work and all the pressure I’m under”, or …
… It doesn’t really matter which way they explain it. It all amounts to the same thing. So let’s put a definition to it for the sake of clarity.
My definition is simply a relationship with someone, outside the marriage, that is emotionally intimate (in an inappropriate way) but excludes the physical act of intercourse. Sexual feelings frequently being suppressed in order to explain away the infidelity as some sort of ‘special’ friendship.
It is also fairly common that the husband or wife having the emotional affair is fooling themselves, possibly to the extent of being completely convinced, that a friendship is all that it is. After all, they’re not physically involved, there’s no sex, so there’s no cheating… Right? That relieves them of any feelings of guilt.
So, is this emotional cheating harmless?
Well, normally they start off as being harmless because a lot of emotional affairs begin as a simple friendship. But, at some point (perhaps even from the outset) there appears a feeling of real connection.
From that point on it is common for your spouse’s emotional intimacy with you to diminish as it increases with the other person. It’s almost like it is transferred from you to them.
When your spouse or partner has an emotionally intimate relationship with another person, that level of personal attachment WILL erode the connection in your marriage.
The emotional intimacy that should be shared only between you both has ceased. That link has been broken. Your partner still has their emotional link, with this other person, but what emotional attachment do you have?
At best, it’s a one-way link from you to your partner, but it’s not being returned.
In so many ways, an emotional affair is worse than a purely physical or sex based affair (one with little, or no, emotional involvement) where the boundaries are clear and confined. It’s purely for the sexual gratification.
But emotional affairs often have no boundaries (other than the absence of sex) as to what can be shared and discussed, it is not confined to discussing their innermost thoughts and desires, but can include details of their partner, their family and friends, their work, in fact every aspect of their lives.
It is this degree of intimacy that is so harmful, and not just because it is a very real betrayal, but because it eats into the very foundations of the marriage. Loyalty has gone, even though your spouse will reason that they’ve remained faithful because sex did not take place.
Besides, because they are not engaging in a physically sexual way doesn’t mean that sexual desire between them does not exist. It probably does, even if they choose to ignore it or even deny it to themselves.
Most often, if nurtured, an emotional affair will, at some point, become sexual in nature. Once this happens, the marriage will be under severe stress if not a complete marriage breakup and divorce.
The emotional experience will become quite intense and difficult for them to ignore or overcome.
Of course, this is the emotional intensity that rightly belongs to you…
… If you rekindle the passion and desire in your relationship you can put an end to emotional affairs for good.
I hope this post goes some way to answering your question: Are Emotional Affairs Acceptable?
Why Did My Husband Cheat On Me?
Author: +Freddie Cook
What does the future hold now?
Should I leave him and get a divorce?
Am I not good enough for him?
What have I done wrong…
They’re endless, each new day brings a fresh load of questions to add to the old ones, questions that haven’t even been answered yet.
You go from feeling almost normal to a panic situation when his affair suddenly hits you all over again. Then you get angry. Then you feel depressed, and so it goes on…
…Why did he do this to us?
If your husband has cheated on you then it’s quite natural for you to want to know why? In fact, it’s probably uppermost in your mind. Lets face it, he’s put your relationship (and possibly family if you have kids) under threat. Why would he be prepared to take such a chance..?
The pain, distrust, loss of respect and turning your whole world upside down. Of course you want to know… why?
It’s also natural for your thinking to be hazy and unclear, and your emotions to be all over the place. Confusion is one of the hardest things to overcome following the discovery of an infidelity.
In order to get to the root of the problem you will need to get your emotions under control first, and you will need a clear head.
As much as you want to know the reason why your husband was willing to treat you this way, not every cheating husband is willing to let you know the truth, or all the facts.
This can be very frustrating and as hurtful as the affair itself. And, just to make matters even worse, getting him to talk about his feelings, actions and reasons for his adultery very often leads to arguments and fights.
It would certainly be easier if every cheating husband had the same problem, but they don’t. Their reasons for having an affair are varied and numerous.
- Looking for affection or attention.
- Wanting to feel appreciated.
- Trying to fulfill needs that are not being met at home.
- Seeking to recapture their youth and the youthful excitement that went with it.
- Searching for a new mate (for whatever reason, they’ve already decided to breakup.)
- Looking for a distraction (perhaps to relieve pressures at work or at home.)
- Having an ego trip (cheating simply because they can.)
There are, of course, countless other possibilities and it’s important to realize that not every affair begins for any important reason at all. It is a fact that some affairs simply happen without any real underlying cause. Perhaps just circumstances, attraction or availability (when their guard is down) is all that’s required.
In any case, for your peace of mind, here are some things you can try in order to make sense of your cheating husband and uncover his particular problems. Just bear in mind as you read on, I’m not trying to suggest that you’ve caused him to have an affair. It is not your fault that he chose to deal with his problems in that manner.
Try Walking In His Shoes
If you want to figure out why your cheating husband does not love you anymore, you need to understand what he is thinking. Try to see your actions through his point of view. By walking in his shoes you may be able to better understand why he has had, or is still having, an affair.
Try Understanding your Own Problems
If you want to fix your relationship you need to be self-reflective. You need to think about your own issues and how they may have caused unhappiness in your partner.
If you can understand what you may be doing wrong, you can work to quickly fix the problems of your relationship. Although, his cheating (that is, his reason for cheating), may not have anything to do with you at all.
Try Discussing HIS Issues With Him
It is a really important step, effective communication is imperative.
More often than not he will be willing to discuss why he is unhappy, and what has caused him to have this change of heart. But, as I said above, this is not always the case, you really do have to find a way round this.
The only way to get the facts is to make sure that you talk to the source, making this the most important tool for those who want to fix their relationship.
It’s difficult to fix something if you don’t know exactly what is wrong. Tell him that. The truth is the only thing that can be dealt with. Dealing with a lie is futile.
Try Discussing YOUR Issues With Him
You also need to get your issues out in the open, and I don’t necessarily mean your issues about his cheating. If you had any concerns prior to his adulterous affair, then now is the time to air them.
If you want to have a good relationship with your husband YOU need to be honest as well, and for the same reasons.
After you have listened to him talk about his issues, talk about your own. He may realize that some of his own actions have caused the issues in your relationship, opening his eyes and giving him reason to understand why he cheated, and maybe even encourage him to fall in love with you again.
Try Seeing a Marriage Counselor
If neither of you can understand the issues in your marriage you may want to consider a marriage counselor. A marriage counselor is an unbiased third party that may be able to outline your issues and help your husband to fully realize what he has put in jeopardy and also help you forgive and regain trust again.
It is important for you to look at all of the different angles of your relationship. This will help you to truly identify the various issues that have come between you both. These issues may be why your husband does not love you like he used to.
Rebuilding all the love and passion you used to have for each other is a powerful way to recapture his heart and strengthen the bond that holds you together as a couple…